Mission: POSSIBLE

A belated Chodesh Tov to everyone!

I want to share with you an experience I was privileged to have today.

You know how we're taught in school that whenever there is great potential for good, there is an equal potential for evil/not-so-good? (I can't quite remember what context I learned this in, so if you never heard it before, just trust me on this one.) For example, at a time of great simcha, like a wedding or a Yom Tov, when there is opportunity for mitzvos to be fulfilled and relationships to be developed (both bein adam l'chaveiro and bein adam l'Makom) the Yetzer Hara/Satan/whatever-you-call-it is working extra hard to trip us up. (It is not uncommon to have things go wrong in the last few busy and stressful hours before Shabbos, Pesach, a wedding, etc.)

And throw in to the mix the fact that the Yetzer Hara is one tricky guy - he doesn't work in a direct manner. He'll make you think you're being a tzaddik when in reality, you're unwittingly playing his game exactly the way he wants.

In short: Being a ben/bat Torah in this world is really hard! You try your best, and have the potential for immense improvement, but then mess up. To the degree that you are determined to do good is the degree that the Yetzer Hara will go to make you do wrong. And when you do mess up, that nasty little blighter tells you to forget it, don't bother fixing yourself - after all, isn't it much easier to wallow in self-pity and then hide your now fragile self-esteem from the world under the guise of cynicism (which is lauded by pop media as an attractive trait, for some strange reason) than to risk another failure?

Everyone has certain mitzvos that come naturally to them - like avodas Hashem b'simcha, ahavas Yisrael, limud Torah (for guys), chessed, whatever. And on the flipside, everyone has certain mitzvos that (for whatever reason) aren't their forte - lashon hara, limud Torah, emuna, kibud av v'em, tznius, just to name a few.

The important thing to remember is that Hashem didn't give us mitzvos that we couldn't possibly keep - that isn't just ("zeh lo fair!") It is important to make a distinction I recently heard an adult telling a child: "Don't say 'I can't' - say 'It is difficult for me.'" It is difficult, not impossible, to keep some mitzvos.

My particular "tough mitzvah" has been, to say the least, extremely challenging for a while. And at some point in the past year, I made a neder to really work at it. But I'm not perfect - I messed up a number of times. Sometimes, I really messed up and went through a lot of emotional pain. Case in point - I messed up today, and I feel horrible about it. I sat on my bed and self-pitied (/gave in to the YH) for an hour, then got fed up and needed to be productive. I talked to myself and worked it through. Told myself that just because I messed up already doesn't mean I should give up. I try again. And I'm prepared to mess up again. But I should keep trying.

We are taught that in Elul there is a koach in the world to really make change for the better. Elul is the time that has the power for teshuva (that's my new definition of "Elul zman"). What better time to re-make a promise to work on your "tough mitzvah"?

So go for it. You know what your "tough one" is - promise yourself that you will work at it. Say the words out loud (and check out Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book "Conversations With Yourself") - "I will work on X." Take action to confront your challenge - fight back! Your arsenal is filled with the best weapons and gadgets to fulfill this mission (to the best of your ability) - Torah. On the web, anything is accessible - just do a Google search, check out SimpletoRemember.com or YUTorah.org for shiurim. (Notice how I provided links so you can't possibly avoid going to the websites!) Learn about your "tough mitzvah," and how to do it properly. Get chizuk from shiurim. Share your mission with a close friend, who can be a cheerleader. Be prepared to mess up, but also be prepared to brush yourself off and try again. Ask Hashem for help! He wants to help.

Remember - "Sheva yipol tzaddik v'kam" (Mishlei 24:16) - You WILL mess up, and you WILL make it! Like riding a bike...

May we all be zoche this Elul to achieving teshuva shelaima, and build our relationship with Hashem so that we can overcome a Yezter Hara, and be a step closer to truly reaching "Ani l'dodi v'dodi li."

Yom Ha'atzmaut Reflections

I was debating whether or not to write this, and was inspired by Shades of Grey's Yom Ha'atzmaut post (thanks!).

I went to a fairly modern elementary Yeshiva day school, which was very Tzioni. We went all out with the blue-and-white shtick (clothing, cupcakes, decorations), dancing, Hallel as a whole school using Naomi Shemer tunes, etc. on Yom Ha'atzmaut. And me, being slightly nuts and more than happy to take every opportunity to dance and sing and demonstrate my (naive) love for the State of Israel, was typically one of the girls in the middle of the circle, steadily going hoarse, my bright red face clashing with the blue and white garb.

This mentality carried over to an all-girls' Yeshiva high school, which was also Tzioni, but in a more toned-down fashion, and definitely more in line with Religious Zionism (or as I like to say, "Tzioyni") than just stam Zionism. Yom Ha'atzmaut celebrations were mostly fueled by the students (rather than the administration), and Hallel (with or without a bracha) was optional, and said privately.

Then, during my year in seminary, things started to change. It was the first time I was in Eretz Yisrael for an extended period of time, and really learning to love the land for its kedusha. As I'm sure many of you can attest to, there is no clear, logical explanation for the love a Jew feels for the physical land of Eretz Yisrael, the landscapes, or the nature. I've seen some beautiful natural parks in America, and there I always thought "Mah rabu ma'asecha Hashem!" But nothing more. Only with Israel did I feel the same connection, comfort, and longing during this extended absence. For me, the only explanation is that due to its inherent kedusha, the "afra d'Eretz Yisrael" is so much more significant than that of any other country.

I was privileged to have some incredible teachers and rabbanim in my seminary who, although (most) were Charedim, did not ignore or mock Yom Ha'atzmaut. They emphasized and embodied the religious perspective towards the hoda'ah and celebration of the day. For them, it wasn't about "Hallel with a bracha/without a bracha" - it was about giving shevach (through Tehillim, or maybe Hallel) to Hakadosh Baruch Hu for the incredible nissim and gifts He gave us on the date we are commemorating. There was no much-debated question of "blue and white" clothing, because that wasn't related to the ikkar simchas hayom.

In a sense, I've shifted from my childish, Zionistic love of Medinat Yisrael to a place of deep-seated, Torah-driven longing for Eretz Hakadosh. Personally, I no longer need to wave a degel Yisrael or proudly wear blue and white to proclaim my love for Israel. It is a private, budding relationship that doesn't require any flashy, external indications.

So I went to (and very much enjoyed!) the shiurim for Yom Hazikaron and Yom Ha'atzmaut, but I didn't go to the chagiga afterwards. (Granted, one of the main reasons was because I wasn't in the mood for a 'social scene'.) Which made me feel weird when I was sitting back in my dorm, because just 2 or 3 years ago, I would have without doubt been at the chagiga, wearing my flag as a cape and dancing up a storm with the rest of my friends. Yet, I no longer felt the need to do so. I'm not critical of that "shtick," honestly. It just doesn't do anything for me. But still, something felt off.

Then I wondered; am I being a frum snob? Do I look down on people who choose to celebrate Yom Ha'atzmaut like that? I certainly hope not, considering the nauseating hypocrite I would be if I did. It's not like I went around making snide remarks about those who do celebrate in such a fashion; I just didn't join in, because it's not how I felt I needed to express my feelings related to the chag. If that is how they celebrate, kol hakavod! I believe everyone should act as they deem fitting.

And yet, I got the impression from a close friend that I was being a bit "self-righteous." Which really bothered me, because what if it was true? Then, all the growth I thought I had in regards to ahavat ha'aretz was a farce. Which is a really scary thought... And if I am being a religious snob, how do I change that? Such a characteristic is fake frumkeit, and in my opinion, not worth anything.

I said Hallel this morning (without the bracha), took a break from homework to listen to C. Lanzbom a little (yes, I do hold that it's not assur to listen to music on Yom Ha'atzmaut), and ate schwarma for dinner (OK, I know, it was after shki'a...). And as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm justifying my extremely confused position. Do I really need to do that?

Is it being self-righteously "frum" to hold back from the typical celebrations, choosing only to participate in the ones that are more "Torah-centered"? (eg., Yom Iyun, tefillot).

To be quite honest, I have no conclusion. I'd love to hear readers' opinions. Thanks!