But then I got some great news that put me off of that idea completely...
A friend of mine got engaged! Not a close friend or anything, but a friendly acquaintance, someone I see often. Mazal Tov!
Now, she just, and I mean just turned 19, came back from a year in Israel 7 months ago, and dated this guy for 2 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her and can't wait for her simcha. (And bear with me here, because this is where the ideas just start to flow and get a little disjointed...) One of the things I was planning on mentioning in my introduction (which is coming, I assure you) is that I was following a few humorous blogs about shidduch dating, one in particular, Bad for Shidduchim, and from there was introduced to the more general hashkafic discussions of Shades of Grey (although he posts his fair share of shidduch stories and observations). They were frum bloggers ("floggers"?) who were able to get their ideas out there and discuss them with others who wished to do so. I was inspired.
But what to write about? I'm not dating yet; both of the blogs mentioned above either center on dating or have a strong percentage of posts about dating. So I decided to use this as an opportunity for self-exploration and definition, something that I strongly believe needs to be done before one begins shidduch dating. (To be discussed in a later entry, when I'm not flustered over the news...)
Now, I honestly trust this girl. I know she is mature, and a clear thinker. So I have no problems with her getting engaged, per se... It's just that she is one of the first people of my age group that I know/have what to do with that is engaged. And that must only mean one thing...
IT. HAS. BEGUN.
Oh, I know she's just one person, and few, if none, of my friends are dating yet. It's always a hypothetical discussion that, I will admit, is discussed very often. But it still remains in the quiet, starry-eyed realms of hypothetical, and has never really impacted any of us. But when the first one goes... Well, it gets one thinking even more seriously.
Should I start dating? No.
Why not? I'm not ready yet.
How do I know? I DON'T!
But I think I'm OK with it. Despite the intense emotional pull and allure of the idea, I rationally understand that for me, the time is just not right. Mazal Tov for her, and it's the right time for her, but not for me. Sitting here for 20 minutes spitting out my thoughts and preparing to send them off into cyberspace (I know, that was such a cheesy line) has made me, once again, come to that comforting realization.
But that still doesn't take away from that ominous yet exciting feeling of anticipation that a whole new, unexplored time of our lives is coming up... (cue the "Twilight Zone" theme music)
Well, now that I just took my solid resolution to not talk about dating in my first post and chucked it out the window... :-)
5 comments:
Welcome to the exciting, often quirky, world of blogging! It is certainly high praise to be mentioned in the same breath as Bad4 - especially since she is far more experienced and talented than I am (or so I believe).
It's funny that you mention that my blog is meant to be more hashkafic discussion than focused on dating - which is true. I originally intended to use it as a forum to express my ideas and haskafic flights of fancy as they were generated in my mind, but it seems that the one thing I tend to think about most as of late is dating. So thank you for that reminder, I will try to post things that relate to other areas worthy of consideration than just shidduchim. We'll see how successful I am...
I also actually started writing an inaugural post for my blog, which eventually got pushed aside in favor of the actual first post (which felt as though it had a greater need to be posted immediately). I don't think it is necessary to have that sort of jumping up and down, arms waving in the air introduction per se - though you have done a nice job here of starting off the blog.
Deciding to begin dating is definitely a big step in someone's life - and certainly requires discussion with your parents, rabbeim, mentors, and older married friends beforehand to ascertain if you're really ready or not. But, there is no rush - especially if you're just starting Stern now. Most people tend to wait a bit to acclimate to life back in America - taking all the things they've learned while in Israel and utilizing that growth to develop a proper approach to encountering the "real world" here in America. It's exactly as you said regarding the self-exploration - you REALLY must get to know yourself well to understand your wants and needs before you can think about adding another person (IE a spouse) to the mix. As I mentioned once or twice - it's a positive selfishness, an introspection and reflection on just who you are and what important issues like your personal Yiddishkeit mean to you. The mashul everyone seems to quote is that your own cup has to be full to the point of running over before you can start properly giving to someone else (which is what marriage is really all about).
Anyway, from what I've seen so far, you are a talented writer - so I look forward to reading more posts!
Take it from someone who's been resisting the dating thing for a while now: you're better off trying to push it completely out of your mind. Yes, I've had close friends get married (and have kids!), and been offered my fair share of names to check out, but I'm simply not there yet, and the best method, I've found, is to forcibly remove it from your mind until you want to think about it again. Granted, it's hard being in YU (and, judging from last year's Obsessor, even harder in Stern) and not thinking about it - but you just gotta try your hardest, and try to focus on things you actually want to. No need to torture yourself.
Thanks for the eitza, guys.
And I like that mashal, Shades of Grey. It puts the whole concept of a relationship in a beautiful light.
Thank you - but I definitely didn't create it - the credit goes to my rabbeim.
just discovered the blog. good luck!
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