"The Women" - Conversation with Lady Elaine Sacks and Dr. Esther Joel

I had the absolute privilege to attend the Shabbaton at Stern this past week with special guests of honor, Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks (Chief Rabbi of England) and his wife, Lady Elaine. President Joel and his wife, Dr. "Queen" Esther Joel, were there as well. For a fantastic summary of the Shabbaton and the inspiring divrei Torah of Rabbi Sacks, check out Shades of Grey's post, Why Can't America Have a Chief Rabbi This Cool?!

One part of the Shabbaton that Shades didn't mention (see comments on his post for why) was the post-luncheon panel with the Chief Rebbetzin and First Lady. Dean Karen Bacon moderated, asking a list of (pre-approved) questions to each of the two women, and of course, moved along with funny comments from President Joel sitting on the sidelines. I'll try my best to remember all the questions and answers.

Before she began, Dean Bacon made a really great remark; The old saying "Behind every great man lies a great woman" isn't really true, at least according to the way Judaism views the powerful partnership that is marriage. A more correct statement would be, "Behind every great person is a great life partner." Both Dr. Joel and Lady Elaine are wonderful examples of this truth.

The first question was a basic rundown of each woman's professional background, and how that has changed since entering public roles with their husbands.

Dr. Joel, a practicing psychologist (who got her PhD. over ten years, while raising children!), is on the board at a health facility, and has always been very involved in community work, whether it be on the school board, an active member of shul committees, or part of the Chevra Kadisha. She made a really interesting and important point regarding communal work: If you want something to be done (in your child's school for instance), don't wait for someone else to do it. You should do it! Ever since her husband (formerly a lawyer) became president of YU, she had a new role; hostess to many public figures.

Lady Elaine is, by education, a radiographer (I guess the American equivalent would be a radiologist), who also writes book reviews for a Jewish journal. She is also extremely involved in the community, and that seems to now be her primary role as wife of the Chief Rabbi. She mentioned chessed, being involved with the high school girls on a personal basis, and the annual poetry contest and tea reception for children in the Jewish day schools. Like Dr. Joel, she also does a lot of entertaining and hosting of dignitaries (from many walks of life), and even royalty (such as the private dinner she and Rabbi Sacks had with Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, before they were married - smooth political move, anyone?).

"What would be one piece of advice you wished someone would have told you when you were in college/university?"

Both Lady Elaine and Dr. Joel answered "Enjoy it!" Don't take up time now worrying about the future - these are such great years of your life, so take advantage of it! (A cute story that Dean Bacon stuck in was how Stern's psych professor, Dr. Aharon Fried - a Munkacher Chassid - was asked the same question on a video for Stern. He answered by singing a line from Simon and Garfunkel's great song, "Feelin' Groovy": "Slow down, you move too fast/ You've got to make the morning last...")

Another question was something along the lines of, "What advice could you give to young women today who want to balance working and raising a Jewish family?"

Dr. Joel (a response that drew cheers from the female half of the crowd): "Guys, help out!" She also stressed the importance of prioritizing your time between family and work. Lady Elaine (I think it was in response to this question) spoke about how children learn most from examples in the home, more that anywhere else. The example she gave was that if tzedakah and chessed are priorities in your home, your children will copy that. So when prioritizing between work and family, keep that in mind as well.

What is the biggest problem facing the Jewish community today?

Lady Elaine said that she believed "outmarriage" (translation: intermarriage) and anti-Semitism are what she sees as the biggest problems. While the first is universally a concern, the second is probably more relevant to European Jewry than it is to American Jewry. Dr. Joel gravely said she believes diffidence is our biggest concern. She wasn't even talking about lack of discussion between Orthodox, Reform, and Conservative; she meant that lack of tolerance between the difference shades of Orthodoxy is what is ripping apart our community today.

What was the most interesting question you were ever asked?

Dr. Joel was once in Carvel, and she was paying with a check, and the high school kid behind the counter asked her if she was Billy Joel's mom. Mind you, Billy Joel is a bit older than Dr. Joel...

Rabbi and Lady Sack's daughter came to them after she got the ultrasound of her first child, asking if there was a bracha for such an occasion (the first time you see your child - up until then, Hashem was the only one who saw him/her). They said "She'hechiyanu."

The great part of this Shabbaton was seeing both the Sackses and Joels in a relaxed setting, getting to know them (a little bit), rather than merely seeing them as great, but distant, figures. Not only were the words of Torah and wisdom they gave us valuable, but the experience of being in their presence was just as enlightening. Both are strong couples living genuine, dedicated, passionate lives of Torah in the world-straddling communities we belong to, real example for how we should and can conduct our lives. I am personally very grateful to both the Joels and Sackses for sharing a Shabbos with the students at YU and Stern, and I'm sure anyone who was lucky enough to be there would agree.

I wish I could remember more, but my brain is shutting down. If any readers remember more, please add it in the comments!

Purim in YU: Not Very Funny...

The Beren Campus buildings have recently been graced with two YU Purim publications - The Closetator and Kol Hamishtakker (spoofs on the YU newspaper The Commentator, and the Jewish thought magazine Kol Hamevaser, respectively). Excited at the prospect of having a laugh over my dinner the other night, I picked up a copy of each while waiting for the elevator.

Allow me a brief definition of Purim merriment, courtesy of Wikipedia. There are two classic types of humor associated with Purim.

A) “Purim Torah” - “humorous, satirical writings... Purim Torah authors, often displaying an amazing grasp of Jewish knowledge, playfully use some of the far-fetched methods of Talmudic logic and Biblical exegesis in order to reach absurd conclusions.” Purim Torah generally consists of comical, yet erudite Torah teachings, or things like linguistic tricks.

B) “Purim Shpiels” - humorous plays or skits that tend to affectionately exaggerate and poke fun at certain qualities of well-known figures (from Tanach or present-day Jewish life, such as a community Rav or teacher) and elements of recorded stories (again, from Tanach or recent community events). These satirical parodies are popular in yeshivas and shuls.

The Kol Hamishtakker was, in my humble opinion, a fantastic blend of wit, wisdom, and (literally) laugh-out-loud humor. They successfully created a “Purim Torah” publication, in every sense of the term. The articles incorporated the classic pilpul learning style of a beis medrash in the silliest of matters, and utilized many little twists on language, resulting in a great Purim publication.

When I picked up The Closestator, however, I was immediately shocked with the very first headline: “Prominent Rosh Yeshiva Emerges from Closet” with a large digitally edited photo of “R’ Twersky” literally coming out from a closet. I was so upset and appalled at the reference that I had a moment of actual nausea.

How could such a bizayon of a Torah authority be publicly printed? Yes, it was all in the name of “simchas Purim,” but there are halachos that need to be taken into account before such “jokes” are made public. There are lo ta’asehs of nezikin (physical damages), lashon hara, ona’as devarim, and embarrassment that one could easily violate when creating Purim shtick. (See “Purim Pranks in Halacha,” a translation of a shiur by R’ Yosef Zvi Rimon on Virtual Beit Midrash)

In this particular case of this article, there are serious issues of ona’as devarim involved. The source for this issur is Vayikra 25:17 - “V’lo tonu ish et amito…” “You shall not wrong one another,” which the Sefer Hachinuch (338) clearly defines as “not shaming people or causing them pain in any way.” Not only is this a matter that cannot be ignored when involved in Purim shtick, but it gets even more problematic when the subject of the shtick is a mechanech, because at that point, both a person and the Torah (which he teaches) are being made fun of. Kal v’chomer, in the case of a Rosh Yeshiva!

Aren’t we told that the Jews of Persia re-accepted the Torah on Purim? (“Ki’yimu v’kiblu,” Esther 9:27) What is the point to Purim shtick if it makes a mockery of that very same Torah and the Rabbanim who transmit it?

Additionally, we know that Purim and Adar are the time when we are told “macho timche et zecher Amalek,” to wipe out the remembrance of Amalek. How do we keep this mitzvah today? According to one interpretation (forgive me, I can’t remember where I saw it), Amalek represents the midah of leitzanus, or mockery, which is achieved by approaching wisdom or Torah and finding one tiny thing wrong with it, publicly declaring that, and thus undermining all authority and credibility which that wisdom contains. We can destroy Amalek today by eliminating that negative midah from within ourselves. But if this is the exact midah that is utilized in creating Purim shpiels (i.e. - making a gadol b‘Torah and the Torah he teaches the butt of one‘s joke), it is allowing Amalek to continue existing. Certainly, this is antithetical to the everlasting message and meaning of Purim!

I believe there is a very fine line between proper “Purim Torah” or “Purim Shpiels” and bizayon v’leitzanus. I don’t think it is unfair to say that The Closetator, at times, crossed that line.

Regarding the particular article; I understand the line of thinking. It was very shticky and sharp to have a literal spin on the phrase “come out of the closet.” When one reads the whole article, there are, admittedly, some funny lines. And I can understand the writer’s though process; “Well, who would be the funniest subject to write this about?” R’ Twersky seems like a perfect subject, given his vehement opposition to the entire episode of the gay panel.

But that is where the line was crossed. It is by very virtue of the fact that R’ Twersky was such a serious force of opposition that he was the most inappropriate choice. Had the subject been anyone else, such as a fictional student, or possibly even Rabbi Blau (given his involvement in the panel), the article would have been less (if not at all) offensive. But any redeeming humor in the article is overshadowed by the shocking lack of kavod for a Rosh Yeshiva.

Maybe its just a girl thing, and this is how guys do Purim. I wouldn’t know. I did see the YU Purim shpiel from last year on YouTube, which did make fun of rebbeim (in front of them, no less) - but it seemed to me that there wasn’t an offensive nature to the jokes. At least, it didn’t bother me. And some kind of light-hearted, affectionate teasing of mechanchim (in the context of a Purim shpiel) seems to be permitted sometimes (see footnote 8 of the above article).

Maybe The Closetator article bothered me because it was so in-your-face, so openly ridiculous, and with a picture. Plus, it was such a delicate topic. If anyone heard R’ Twersky speak in response to the panel, it was really intense. I’m not paskening here, but making fun of something so incredibly serious is in poor taste and cannot possibly be mutar.

Maybe it’s just a difference in the subject matter of each publication. The Kol Hamevaser is a machshava/Jewish thought magazine, and consequently, all of the articles have some element, usually a very large portion, of analytical Torah and Jewish philosophy to it (in the regular editions). Thus, it is expected and appropriate that the Kol Hamevaser’s Purim publication is of this “Purim Torah” nature (in keeping with the above definition).

The Commentator, however, is a general student newspaper, not directed at Torah (or science, such as Derech Hateva, for example). The articles in this publication are of an informational, not analytical, nature. They report on events, happenings, student body undercurrents, etc. It would be out of place to expect all of their articles to be of a Torah-centric nature, which is the Kol Hamevaser’s area of expertise. But this does not mean that The Commentator, a Yeshiva University publication, should be void of Torah values. Even if it is a Purim edition.

Now, one could argue that the Kol Hamishtakker had their fair share of mockery. But there are two differences. The first is that the Kol Hamishtakker dealt with these serious matters with an appropriate delicacy and distance (and definitely not as often as The Closetator - one needs to merely look at the title and banner of the publication to see a running theme in it).

Secondly, the articles in the Kol Hamishtakker had some sort of philosophical message. To quote the authors, “[We] wrote articles making fun of everything YU, with a kernel of truth so strong it could never be ignored.” A perfect example of this is the charming, lengthy, Dr. Seuss-esque poem dealing with that unanswerable question of how to define “Modern Orthodox” (“Bistu Modernish?” p. 17-20). The Closetator, on the other hand, seems to have no agenda or message, other than distasteful mockery of everything.

We could then compare The Closetator to the Stern Purim publication, The Unobservant. It too is a newspaper of a general sort, not focused on Torah. The Unobservant seemed, to me, to be harmlessly cute, not bitingly sharp or (pardon the harsh language) boorishly humorous. (I could bring more examples from The Closetator that rubbed me the wrong way, but I won’t.)

Please don't think that I have anything personal against the writers or editors themselves. I don’t know a single one of them, and I am sure that they are all upstanding b'nei Torah. The only thing that disturbs me is their judgment regarding what was and wasn’t appropriate for the Purim publication.

Maybe it’s a matter of personal taste. But humor at the expense of kavod haTorah is undoubtedly antithetical.

My only hope is that next year, IY”H, we can celebrate Purim with the true, unsullied, pure, and effective simcha that is the hallmark of Adar.

(Please pardon the length of this post. I just needed to express my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for understanding.)

A Frelichen Purim!

After all the meshuga'as a few weeks ago, it's nice to see some who can find something to smile about. Enjoy!

http://www.frumsatire.net/2010/02/18/yu-sumposium-being-yeshivish-in-the-modern-orthodox-world/#more-4308

Are They Really Selling Books?

Aaaah, it’s that time of year. The seforim are piling up. The CD’s are neatly aligned. The “Ask Me About…” badges are doled out and proudly displayed by their owners. Welcome to “The Largest Seforim Sale in North America,” brought to you by the Yeshiva University Student Council (known affectionately by vegans as “SOY”). As far back as I can remember, my family has gone to the sale every year, stocking up on bar/bat mitzvah presents and tapes (only in the last few years did we switch over to CDs). I considered myself an old-timer at the Seforim Sale.

Little did I know that once you get your seemingly innocuous little YU ID (yes, that word that the security guards are always screaming at you), you must trade in any rights you have to independence, freedom, and privacy. From that moment on, until graduation or marriage (whichever comes first) you are slave to the incredibly small and electrically charged Social Scene that is Yeshiva University. No matter what social circle you run with in Stern, whenever you are taking the Uptown shuttle, people ask. For some, it’s a casual "Are you seeing such-and-such male? Say hi to him for me!” For others, it’s a sly look, a cocky, all-knowing smile, and a million thoughts running through the hearer’s brain.

So that’s why she looks so nice!

Again?

Research for Rabbi Cohen’s class? Yeah, right.

I wonder why she’s really going?

I fall into that social circle, which has spawned countless YU library jokes and snarky comments. (Here I have to admit that I’m guilty of having made my fair share of library remarks, often in jest, but jokes usually have some element of truth in them. Mea culpa.). What if there actually is a book there that I can’t find in the miniscule Stern library, and don’t have time to order it and wait for it to come to me? What if I was already Uptown babysitting for my nephew and decided to be responsible and go get some work done? What is I actually work better in the bigger, dignified, more college-esque library? What if I’m a closet bibliophile and simply need large amounts of volumes in my vicinity so as not to asphyxiate? The “what if”s could go on and on…

But the “what if”s don’t matter, because once you cross over whatever imaginary lines distinguishing Midtown from Uptown (somewhere between 59th and 155th - I Wikipediaed it), you’ll never live it down. There is always some ulterior motive for going over to the boys’ campus. Even if you haven’t entered the shidduch world, you can never have pure intentions. And if you have started shidduch dating, then you can never go for fear of those awkward situations of seeing the guy you said “no” to after two dates just last night.

Some girls avoid the problem by simply avoiding the Uptown campus like The Plague. It’s a great way of keeping one’s “reputation” spotless. It goes on the resume: she’s from a great seminary (take your pick of any pseudo-Beis Yaakov), going into speech therapy, and you’ve never seen her at the library. But if one chooses that tactic, she misses out on great things like shiurim, the Chanukah Concert (which I know people have not gone to simply to avoid the Scene), and yes, even what the library has to offer.

For those girls who want to be able to do things without fear of what everyone else will say or think (my ideal world!), the benefits of the Uptown campus are not a thing to be avoided. But that doesn’t mean they are unaware of what everyone is thinking. It makes no difference what your reasons are; once you’re there, you are seen, you may be talked about, you may be talked to. (Disregarding the occasional match that comes out of a gutsy guy going over to talk to a girl he finds attractive in the library - true story!) So with all that in mind, a girl doesn’t simply waltz onto the shuttle without looking in the mirror for a bit longer than usual.

Is that a normal thing to do? Is it too much? Is it being responsible? Is it being vain? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not the only one who does it. Because yeah, I could say “I don’t care what other people think of me for going to do work in the library,” but in truth, I will still care, because I am now prey to the Social Scene.

I don’t know if it’s the same for guys, but it is my opinion that they definitely have less of a problem than the girls do. Unless they are coming to hang out in the Stern lobby, they have no real reason to come to the Beren Campus. But many programs, shiurim, and the like are on the Wilf Campus, so girls who have no desire to chill with guys are often Uptown, admittedly not always comfortably.

And if it is bad enough that I have to feel watched when I go to study or learn some Torah, no, it’s even more crazy when I simply want to get some discount seforim.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting at the Shabbos table with my two older sisters and two of their friends, all of them Stern alumni, discussing what seforim and CDs we were interested in getting at the upcoming Seforim Sale. So when I voiced my excitement, they laughed and warned me about which sections to browse, and which to avoid.

Chumash/Tanach - Safe, on all accounts.

English Mussar - A little fluffy, but a possibility. Demonstrates a sincere desire to grow.

Hebrew Mussar - Good! The fact that it’s in Hebrew means you are intelligent!

English Halacha - OK. Those “Daily Halacha” books show you are conscientious and want to be well-informed.

Hebrew Halacha - A bit harder to work out that one - yes, the Halacha aspect could be in your favor, but see “SHUT” for cons.

SHUT - No way. What frum girl wants to admit that she actually harbors a secret desire to sit in yeshiva all day?

Music - Totally fine, as long as you stay away from ‘weird’ things like Moshav Band or The Idan Raichel Project. Any Boys’ Choir is safe. You’re sitting on the fence with Mattisyahu. Gravitate towards Eitan Katz - that means you’ve got personality.

The Rav - Great! Shows you are frum, bright, and can handle a challenge! For extra points, throw out remarks like “I love the Rav’s discussion of ontic monism here!” or “The way Rav Soloveitchik states his thesis, antithesis, and synthesis here mamesh blows me away!” (The “mamesh” is optional…)

Shas - Not unless you’re with a chosson picking out his set (and at that point, who cares what others think!)

Apparently, once you get the plastic ID card, you have to be concerned about not only who you are seen with, where you are seen, but also what books you are seen with! Is this really the Largest Seforim Sale in North America, or the Largest Unofficial Singles' Event in North America? To make things easier, they should just have the YU Connects people floating around with badges that say "Ask me about him/her!"

I thought about it for a while. I was hopping back and forth between submission to the rules and rebellion against them. I realized the utter absurdity of the situation, yet the fact that it is unavoidable. And then I resolved that I just couldn’t handle the pressure and hype. I just wanted to buy some seforim! So I went.

It was exactly as I expected it to be. A huge social scene, with not enough room for men and women to walk around comfortably without having to worry about shomer negiah. I avoided some people, shmoozed with (female) friends, and got some weird pick-up lines disguised as comments about the seforim I was interested in/drooling over (“Who are you shopping for that you want an entire Rav Nevenzhal set?”). But I enjoyed myself, got some much-needed books and CDs for good prices, and caught a shiur. I’ve decided to try to not let the silliness of The System get to me.

OK, that’s not entirely true. As is always the story with the Social Scene, one’s senses are inexplicably heightened. And it's a pain in the tuchus, but what are you gonna do? The System can't be changed. This is just how it is. In any case, I’ll probably go back - I'd like to see the Maccabeats live, and there is still that C. Lanzbom CD on sale.

Plus, I have to go back to the Rav Nevenzhal set and see how many more 'remarks' I get.

An Observation...

Has anyone ever mused about the titles for the YU and Stern newspapers, "The Commentator" and "The Observer," respectively? (No, just me? Well, I guess I have too much time on my hands...)

I'll be very honest - I'm not a feminist, which in my mind, are really "masculinists" - a.k.a., women trying to be men. I find that denying the way you were created is pointless and anti-Torah. Even presumtuous! I mean, who are you to question G-d's creation and the strengths and responsibilities given to both man and woman?

But getting back to my point, it is interesting how YU's paper is "The Commentator," a word we normally associate with Rashi, Rambam, and other meforshim (translation: commentaries on the Torah). It is the active, vibrant contribution of men to the ever-living Torah.

The women's newspaper, on the other hand, is "The Observer," conjuring up an image of a figure behind the window, peering out at the world. But staying there. No proactivity.

Now, it's funny, because I am writing this without even thinking of my point - truth be told, I don't think I have a point. Really, I'm just doing this for fun. But now that I look back on what I wrote, that second paragraph that might have seemed merely tangential is actually crucial. Everything I said up there (i.e. - my personal views on "feminism") is highly relevant to the random point I'm raising here, because I believe that a frum woman should be proud of her role as mother, wife, and indeed, ultimate teacher in her home. She is the one making many of the decisions that will raise a new generation, keeping the eternal Torah alive. The role G-d gave her (look at commentaries, and that wasn't meant to be funny, to Breishis/t about the creation of Adam and Chava) is meant to be different from that of man, yet no less important. Her role in shaping the lives of her own family, inside her home, is of galactically proportional importance. And to put it plainly, men are meant to be the ones outside, and women are meant to be inside. The roles that evolve from there are obvious. (Not that women shouldn't work - but that's another discussion...)

So it's no surprise that I find it ironic that the names of the YU and Stern newspapers actually reflect the roles that Hashem gave men and women, respectively. The men,actively commenting, while the women are taking a step back, observing.

Now only if "The Observer" would stick to that role... :-)

(I'm just waiting for the comments bashing that last statement.)